Focus on the Family

Yesterday I wrote a note to myself, stating that in this year and those that follow, I want to be into my life and the lives of my family members.

I found myself going on twitter and facebook numerous times a day reading what's happening in the lives of those I follow in my social network.Then I found myself searching the television to follow reality tv and found that I was always "Keeping up with the Kardashians" - yes I watch the show- and every other person that's up and coming. The other day it hit me that I look at these networks/programs because I'm expecting something to happen and the truth is people's lives are being lived and I'm watching it. In essence, for me nothing's happening! 

Is it that my life is boring? Maybe but the real truth is that I value these other people's lives instead of my own.

After a conversation with my mom, I've resolved that I need to focus on my family. We have a lot going on just like any other family and these things are worth my attention, my participation and my support.

My life is also very important and I need to start living it. It starts with valuing who I am and not comparing myself to others. Then embracing where I am in life and following the right path for me. Fear often deters me but I'm vowing to put fear in it's rightful place.

This year will be different.

Life...thus far

It has been about a year and a half since my last post...gee what a time it has been.

I won't begin to fill in all the details but I'll summarize my life since the last post.

Motherhood

KJ is now 17 months old going on 5! He's the best little boy ever. He's smart and so expressive. I love all his little facial expressions (and there are many), his actions and his words. He's really learning and I'm amazed at the process. We've been through nursing, 3 am and 5am feedings, cruzing, crawling, walking and running. He's learned to brush his teeth, feed himself and to say dada and mama. His personality seems outgoing and very social...a far stretch from me but hey maybe not (I'm still growing). He's beginning to test the limits and exercise his will. He knows exactly what he wants and doesn't want all by using one of his favourite words: "No!" Overall he's a complete joy and blessing to the whole family. I look forward to watching him grow!

Back to work

In April, I went back to work. At first I wasn't sure but when you seek God for the path in life you should take, he never leads you astray. I am so glad to be back. My co-worker is awesome and we've become great friends. My boss is a great man and I'm honoured to work for him. I've come to realize that being on Parliament Hill is exactly where I should be. Politics is a definite part of the Bourne household and I'm being given a rare opportunity to get paid to learn! It's awesome. I'm learning things that I never thought I would and being exposed to people and places never imagined. For me the journey has just begun.

Marriage and Family

Kevin and I have been on an incredible journey. I don't know where to begin.... After having KJ, Kevin was out of a job. We spent the remainder of my maternity leave home together. Imagine living on one reduced income with a third mouth to feed! You might say but it's not much KJ was breastfeeding. Believe me though he's breastfeeding, I was losing calories and if you know me, I'm already small so I could use the extra calorie or two. Anyway bills were piling up and creditors were not happy but there wasn't much we could do. Kevin was trying to find work but nothing would open up! Either way we did what we knew to do-pray and ask God for help! God didn't seem to be answering right then but of course he was always at work. We lost our car, access to internet, my engagement ring...we wondered why was this happening?!? We spent a lot of time at home talking to each other and God. We learned tons of lessons including: go with the flow, receive grace and love and God always provides! Many new relationships were formed and we will be forever grateful to those who supported us in that time. One of the greatest things that emerged from that trying time was the beauty of who God made Kevin and I to be. Kevin discovered media-writing and communications and I discovered politics. We are different people and so thankful for our journey!

Right Now

So where are we now? We live in our own place (after living and renting from friends) near downtown Ottawa. Our bills are being paid, my dad gave us his car, we have internet and cable (1st time having that one since getting married) and Kevin is writing for some great organizations. Life is definitely not ideal but we are content, happy and at peace.

What's next

I don't know what's next but it's definitely good and I'm going with the flow. Will I write regularly? Maybe but maybe not. Right now I know I want to talk about different things and I have something to say so if you stick around to read-enjoy and if not that's okay too.

Bye for now,

Koliah

P.S. My engagement ring was never found but Kevin promises to buy me a bigger one later on!

Smokers

Hey there,

Today I had a man get onto the bus and stand next to me after he had just come from outside smoking. Now I realize this is a normal occurence for some but I felt troubled by it. As he came on, I said to myself "great now I have to take in that smoke and so does my unborn child". Now I'm not too sure about how second hand smoke affects your baby but I'm assuming it can't be good. I thought "how inconsiderate of him to come on and have everyone else have to inhale this toxic smoke". Of course I can't expect him to be considerate of me or anyone else because he's not very considerate of his own health. After all if he was he would consider not smoking. I had another incident where a messenger brought a package to me with smoke lingering on the envelope. I called the office he works for and they told me that the messengers are allowed to smoke and that it could also be where the package came from. I know everyone is allowed to be free but now my nose is itchy and eyes irritated because of this. Perhaps this is another topic to write about on work related justice.

However I began to think about what his life might be like and what may be the causes of why he smokes. These things I will never know because I won't ask and I'm not in relationship with him so I don't reallly have a right to get in his business. I definitely thought that I'm not necessarily mad with him but the thing that holds him. This thing called addiction!

The addiction speaks to him telling him he needs this substance in order to feel better knowing that if he were to let go of the addiction, he really would be free and feel fantastic. Addictions, no matter what it is towards, will always hold you and lie to you making you think you need them even though they are not healthy in the least.

I thoroughly dislike you addictions and wish you would leave people alone. However I believe people need to believe that they are stronger than the addiction and can be free from it. Perhaps an alternative would be to consider a healthier obsession like love. True love wouldn't allow for someone to harm themself and would help us to consider our fellow neighbour. True love cares!

Ahh, True love...continue to grip people and release them from those nasty addictions!

Koliah

Have a little class!

Hello again,

The other night I was watching Celebrity Fit Club (reality tv show which follows 8 overweight celebrities as they try to lose weight for charity) and witnessed Tocarra, a tv host and model, behave in a very shameful manner. Now she admitted that she wasn't in the program to actually help herself lose weight. She believes nothing is wrong with her. The doctor, Ian Smith, was trying to show her that she needs to lose weight to be healthy. She basically snapped and stormed out of the room and then came back and cussed out, literally, the doctor! He kept shouting for her to "Have some class!!" and I would agree.

Even if wronged or upset people should try to act in a more respectful way. I found her language extremely offensive and uncalled for. I can commend her for loving her body for they way she is, she's definitely confident however her behaviour made her appear quite ugly.

I now see why the women of Corinth, in the bible, were encouraged to be of a meek spirit. It truly is more becoming, more attractive and more beautiful. I see that this woman was hurt and she is entitled to feel that way. However her emotions were clearly in control. I don't believe she thought of the consequences of her behaviour. I guess most of us don't when our emotions are in control. I pray that she deal with those hurts resulting in peace and that she learn to respect herself as a woman; carrying herself with a little more class.

Koliah

Reaching out

Since my last post, God has shown himself to be faithful once again. I know he is with us in every situation. So on to my next thought.

I was in the mall one weekend ago waiting for my husband to meet me. Being pregnant I decided to go to an area where I could find a place to sit. I noticed an area where both sides were full of people except for one little spot. Although I could have sat in that space, I opted not to because of would be sitting next to me.


There was an older man maybe in his late 60's or early 70's doing a Soduko puzzle. He had on an old winter hat, a jean jacket and carried a bag full of papers. He looked unkempt and dirty. I reasoned in my head that I didn't want to sit next to someone like that so I stood around waiting. Eventually the man got up and left and someone filled the seat. Other seats opened up on the opposite side of the this seating area so I eventually sat down.


While I sat there I watched the many people pass me by. Everyone so different. Some male, some female, some tall, some short, some well dressed, some not, some able bodied and some in wheel chairs. It was an interesting time of observation and reflection. I thought about the passions in my heart. The burden I feel to help the poor and needy and then I thought back to my original observations of this older man. I didn't want to sit next to him because he appeared poor and needy. Aren't these the very people I want to help? How will I ever help them if I can't get past the stigma that surrounds the poor?


Do you know that after a little while that man came back and guess where he sat, right next to me! I had to smile within myself. Of course that would happen. I watched as he did his Soduku puzzle and went back and forth in my mind and heart as to whether to acknowledge this man or not. After all I love Soduku so clearly we have something in common. There was a well dressed, younger lady who sat on the other side of me and from overhearing her conversation I got that she was from Toronto. Again another similarity. Of course I felt that it would be easier and even seem more 'normal' to talk to her about our similarity just to strike up conversation.


It's amazing how much we have in common with people who we don't even know and particularly those who seem less fortunate. I never did talk to the older man but I wish I did. Who knows if that could have brightened his day, week or even life. I don't know what he's been through in life but it doesn't matter, he's worth talking to simply because he's a person. Today we are so afraid to connect with people because they might be rude, violent, sick, dirty etc. but as challenging as this may be, I want to challenge myself to reach out to those that are not like me and truly treat people equally. It just seems like the right thing to do.

Thanks for reading,

Koliah

Where are you God?

Hello again,

It's been a little while since my last post and a lot of things have happened. Some good and some bad but without going into details, I am learning that in whatever situation in life I'm in God is with me. I had a recent soul breakdown. What I mean by that is that my heart felt so down and depressed that I brokedown crying. Some might say it's pregnancy hormones but it was an actual sorrowful heart over the despair of my current state in life.

Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for the work that I'm doing, that I'm healthy, that I'm pregnant, that I'm married, that I do have food, clothes and shelter. The despair lies in the uncertainty at times of the last three things, basic needs. You know it's my belief that every person has these basic needs in life but reality shows me that this is not always the case.

What I felt the last few days was not pleasant. I can only imagine what single mothers with multiple children go through when their working one job and trying to feed and clothe children on a minimum wage salary or welfare. The commercials that show a woman having to choose between food or rent seems like such an injustice. My heart truly goes out to those who are in dire need of help!

Despair or hopelessness are possibly two of the worst feelings anyone could have. They cause you to feel so alone in the world and within seconds you can find yourself contemplating quitting and ending it all. Depression and suicide come knocking when you're at a very low point. The interesting thing is that at this very low point, hope and life are also present. Even in my tears I said to myself that I had to keep believing because God is still a very present help in times of trouble. I said to myself " I have to keep holding on and believing that things will change. If not that's it, I'm doomed."

Just today in my heart I dared to ask the question: Where are you God? It's truly amazing how you can be on such a high at the beginning of a day and at such a low at the end of that same day. That at any given moment you could have received such great news and a glimmer of light at the end of dark tunnel but then be given devastating news and watching that same light be switched off. When I asked that question, I heard in my heart (softly): "I'm right here". Now some of you may not believe that God speaks but I do and I believe he spoke to my heart today to encourage me to keep going and not to give up on him. I also thought about the Haitian people who are going through an extreme time of need, hopelessness and despair. I can't begin to think of what it would be like to go through such a catastrophe but I'm sure many are asking the same question I did and I'm sure God is answering saying "I'm right here."

It's hard to understand how God could be right there in the midst of turmoil but isn't that where he should be? Shouldn't he be with those of us who need him the most? He shouldn't be far off looking at us suffer (although sometimes it may seem that way). He should be right there holding our hand and loving us through the difficulty helping us to get up each day and face it! In the times when I'm weak I need someone to be strength for me and that may not always be my husband or family or friends because they may be having a rough time too and need strength. My strength has to come from someone who is able to carry all the burdens I have and make me feel light as a feather knowing that my life is being taken care of. That's why I believe I heard those words, that's why I hold on because I believe in God and that he is bigger than every situation there is.

I'm sure this won't be the last time I feel this way or the last situation I will have to endure in my life but I'm sure that God will be with me through it all. I'd rather believe in Him than nothing at all!

Enduring til the end

Koliah

Genuine Friendship

Hello again,


I wanted to share an experience I had over the holidays.

The Email that Started it All

Before leaving the city I had written an email to a friend that I felt quite distant from. In the email I shared that I wondered what happened to our friendship because at one point we were inseparable. I wanted to know what really happened to us and if we could go on being friends.

The Response

I received a response from her on Christmas day stating that she was shocked and touched by my email. She said we were on the same page in wondering what happened to our friendship. To my surprise she also shared her hurt and disappointment with how our friendship had played out stating that there were things said and done by me that showed her I didn't care about her or our friendship. She also mentioned that she would rather talk things out than email noting that it seems that over time email has become the communication tool of choice rather than picking up a phone to hear how one was really doing. She questioned if I really cared enough to call about day to day affairs instead of having a 'good news only' relationship meaning we only touched based (via email) to share good news in our lives. After reading her email, I really wanted to talk with her face to face. I really wanted to know what I had said to hurt her. So while in Toronto, I connected with her and we agreed to meet.

The Meeting

We met at her home and were able to catch up on life achievements and placements. Then we got into the meat of why we came together. She shared her heart...so honestly that I thought this is refreshing. We both had expectations that our friendship would continue for a long time but things just didn't go that way and our expectations were never communicated to each other. So we drifted...

My side of the story

I explained to her that over the last little while I was realizing that I didn't know how to love people and maintain relationships properly; that I really didn't know how to be a good friend. I admit to being a surfacy person- asking "how are you?" and not really caring in my heart to hear the response or act upon the response if necessary. I explained that I had been taught incorrectly especially as it pertained to being caught up in religion and not really living out a life of faith or true Christianity. This brought another level to the conversation.

Bad Christianity

She began to talk about the change noted in me when I had shared my faith in God. She couldn't understand why this journey couldn't be shared with her. She asked "if I was in such darkness,why couldn' t you be my light?!" Wow what a question! That was and will be the memory point of the meeting. She showed me how I had judged her without really knowing it and condemned her for not being like me. How I had made her feel less than because I had some new found enlightenment and she didn't. Boy was I wrong and disgustingly religious. She ended up sharing with me the things I said that hurt her. Can you imagine someone having something I said to them replaying in their ears for almost ten years causing them pain?

The Revelation

I really hurt her and that wasn't right. That's not what friends do! That's not what true Christians do! I was and am in no way better than her because I have chosen to believe in Jesus. My job was always to be a good friend regardless of whether we believed the same things or not. I apologized for hurting her and we agreed to work at our friendship. I want her in my life and I want to be there for her whenever she needs me. I want to be a good friend! I want to love unconditionally!

The Conclusion of the Whole Thing

In my first entry I mentioned that I want to be a genuine person. Well this encounter has shown me that the way to be more genuine is to care and care deeply about what others are going through in good and bad times. It's also to watch what I say and to not hurt with my words or think of myself as better than anyone else. As my friend said, we were all born equal - this says to me that everyone deserves love! You know at one time I threw away a lot of people and immersed myself in church (religion)...I was so wrong! I apologize to all those who I may have hurt because of decisions I had made. I want to say now that I am a changed person and still growing everyday so bare with me. I can't guarantee that I'll never disappoint another friend but I am definitely open to correction and open to going the distance with relationships.

I just want to encourage others who want genuine relationships but are afraid to go the distance that really there is no reason to fear when you love. I know it's not easy to be honest or to love but it's definitely worth it. My life definitely feels more fulfilled because of this experience.

Anyways, thanks for reading. Until my next post, take care.