Where are you God?

Hello again,

It's been a little while since my last post and a lot of things have happened. Some good and some bad but without going into details, I am learning that in whatever situation in life I'm in God is with me. I had a recent soul breakdown. What I mean by that is that my heart felt so down and depressed that I brokedown crying. Some might say it's pregnancy hormones but it was an actual sorrowful heart over the despair of my current state in life.

Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for the work that I'm doing, that I'm healthy, that I'm pregnant, that I'm married, that I do have food, clothes and shelter. The despair lies in the uncertainty at times of the last three things, basic needs. You know it's my belief that every person has these basic needs in life but reality shows me that this is not always the case.

What I felt the last few days was not pleasant. I can only imagine what single mothers with multiple children go through when their working one job and trying to feed and clothe children on a minimum wage salary or welfare. The commercials that show a woman having to choose between food or rent seems like such an injustice. My heart truly goes out to those who are in dire need of help!

Despair or hopelessness are possibly two of the worst feelings anyone could have. They cause you to feel so alone in the world and within seconds you can find yourself contemplating quitting and ending it all. Depression and suicide come knocking when you're at a very low point. The interesting thing is that at this very low point, hope and life are also present. Even in my tears I said to myself that I had to keep believing because God is still a very present help in times of trouble. I said to myself " I have to keep holding on and believing that things will change. If not that's it, I'm doomed."

Just today in my heart I dared to ask the question: Where are you God? It's truly amazing how you can be on such a high at the beginning of a day and at such a low at the end of that same day. That at any given moment you could have received such great news and a glimmer of light at the end of dark tunnel but then be given devastating news and watching that same light be switched off. When I asked that question, I heard in my heart (softly): "I'm right here". Now some of you may not believe that God speaks but I do and I believe he spoke to my heart today to encourage me to keep going and not to give up on him. I also thought about the Haitian people who are going through an extreme time of need, hopelessness and despair. I can't begin to think of what it would be like to go through such a catastrophe but I'm sure many are asking the same question I did and I'm sure God is answering saying "I'm right here."

It's hard to understand how God could be right there in the midst of turmoil but isn't that where he should be? Shouldn't he be with those of us who need him the most? He shouldn't be far off looking at us suffer (although sometimes it may seem that way). He should be right there holding our hand and loving us through the difficulty helping us to get up each day and face it! In the times when I'm weak I need someone to be strength for me and that may not always be my husband or family or friends because they may be having a rough time too and need strength. My strength has to come from someone who is able to carry all the burdens I have and make me feel light as a feather knowing that my life is being taken care of. That's why I believe I heard those words, that's why I hold on because I believe in God and that he is bigger than every situation there is.

I'm sure this won't be the last time I feel this way or the last situation I will have to endure in my life but I'm sure that God will be with me through it all. I'd rather believe in Him than nothing at all!

Enduring til the end

Koliah